Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Time

Somehow slipped away. I never even posted Connor's birth story here on the blog. I'll be sure to do that. Also? I never finished posting my bump photos. Oops.

A friend of mine started a pregnancy blog, and while reading hers I remembered my own pregnancy blog. Of course Connor's growing up now (he's 2.5 now! craziness!), but my pregnancy really wasn't all that long ago, and there are so many things I've forgotten. Like how painful contractions are. How we wrote Connor letters regularly. How uncomfortable pregnancy was. What Connor looked like in his ultrasounds. How big I was.

And then there are some things I would prefer to forget about - like when Connor almost died at 21 weeks.

And there were some things I didn't blog about on purpose that I wish I could forget, but I can't.

When I look back on that terrifying time in our lives, I remember being scared. So so so scared. I couldn't sleep. I was incredibly depressed. My Mom sent a box of baby stuff (she was very excited), and I couldn't open it. I cried everytime I looked at it, wondering if my baby would ever get to use those things inside. Every minute, every hour, every day, every week, for months - I wondered, "will he come right now? Will he die today?".

What they say about depression is true. You don't always know it when you're in the midst of it. You just keep going, keep going through the motions, trying not to dwell on the darkness in your life.

But I remember.

All too clearly. And that is something I'd rather forget.